The Plan

My story starts at the end, the beginning comes later.

I live in Indian Rocks Beach, Florida. I love my town which is made up of a thousand different and excellent personalities woven together. I love its' beaches and all the activities that make it beautiful and fun. But.... a recent divorce has shattered my life and knocked me off balance and I find myself suddenly on my own at the questionable age of 62. As anyone who is divorced knows, divorce is one of the most painful, miserable, gut retching experiences anyone can go through. I didn't know it, or just never really thought about it, until it happened to me. Now I know. Now I am ever so much more sympathetic with those who have gone through it before me, after me, and are going through it now. (So sorry, really, I know it's hard)

I moved out leaving too much of everything behind. That was a tactical error. Again I didn't realize the consequences, how the loss of not only my marriage, but also most of "my stuff" along with a move to a new "home" would send my heart and emotions into a chaotic mix of grief and fear. The decision to leave the marriage was inevitable and right, but giving up so much of the other trappings of my life left me feeling like a homeless victim of a major disaster.

I became and am the ex mayor's ex wife living in the ex tourist information center of Indian Rocks Beach, Florida. (How I came to live in the information center is another story.) Add some guitar music and it sounds a little like a country western song, don't you think? Actually, my home is an acceptable little building, that, with the addition of a few upgrades, like a shower, is a not half bad home. Depending on the hour or moment, I alternately loved my little home or felt it was pretty pathetic. Just me being moody.

I settled in. Then one dark morning, in an effort to cheer my miserable self up, I asked myself this question. If money were no object, what would I be doing right now? I answered myself quickly. I would be traveling. I then fantasized about taking a road trip, a really long escape from the conventional life, wondering around the good ole USA, stopping off to see family and friends who live in other faraway places, but had at one time made a real difference in my life. They probably don't even realize, but I would sure like to tell them, in person. Hug. Shed a tear. Say thank-you.

I plan to travel with me, myself, and I. We've talked about it and a road trip will offer time for long discussions about the meaning of life, evaluations of the economy, politics, and a full review of universal truths and time to write and draw everyday. We are quite a threesome, me, myself, and I, with animated, eye rolling, captivating and often, if I say so myself, clever conversation. I know what you're thinking, but as the song says, "If I weren't crazy, I would surely go insane."

Oh, and I will be seeing some of the sights of this great country, the mountains, the plains, the cities, and the small towns. I plan to inhale the landscape, study reality, watch rivers flow and be thankful for good health and the morning sun.

It was incredibly easy to chart the course. But travel costs money and well, I don't have all THAT much. Then an equally incredible idea popped into my brain. The idea was to write about my inspired road trip from the perspective of a 62 year old newly divorced grandmother who finally was brave enough to walk away from 39 years of marriage. Having married at twenty two while still in college, I have never really been on my own. And I would like to say here that it wasn't easy those months after the final decree. I was at times practically immobilized with fear and dread at the prospect of facing the future on my own. Panic is not too strong a word. But I am learning how to get along and it isn't so bad now. I am past thinking that I might end up a bag lady. (I have daughters. Surely they would take me in.)

(So look for my ramblings in the St. Petersburg Times, AAA magazine, Honda commercials, AARP, Budget Travel. If you have any other ideas, let me know. I'm imagining the possibilities.)

I have, since, encountered lots n’ lots of divorced people everywhere. Perhaps those grave statistics are true! (eek!) And they and like everyone else, retirees, students, teachers, young and old, are all striving to just be happy. It is such a difficult simple thing to do. I will continue my striving on the road to the Pacific coast.

I hope you, yes YOU dear reader, will get some positive feelings reading about my journey from here back to here. There will be impulsive musings, honest confessions, and thoughtful conclusions expressed. My ex will probably be mad and mystified over some of what I write. With regards to my marriage, I will try to be discreet, sharing only that which is and has been true for me. I will try to be fair. (Really, I will try, really!) I am sure my thoughts on most everything will be intertwined with the recent end of my marriage and the end of our love. I think that’s OK. That’s where my current perspective is coming from and most people will “get that.” Actually it is sort of the point of all this. It’s about a new direction to my life on my own terms.

So, that’s how the end preceded the beginning. Divorce an end, this trip the beginning.

I will leave Florida on May 1st. Purely coincidentally, or maybe it’s Karma, because May 1st was the day I was married, back in ‘69. Anyway, I will be heading to Austin, Texas first because my brother lives there and he came to me when the conviction and fear of asking for a divorce was upon me. His support was…. it was…. I don’t even know the word to express my need for that support. I love him more than he knows, or maybe he does know. (If you were beside me as I write this, you would see a few tears.) Anyway, then I will drive to Albuquerque, Phoenix, LA, San Francisco, Seattle, Denver, Kansas, Tennessee, Ohio, Michigan, and Washington DC. Each place is where a very dear and extraordinary person lives. I am sure that between these cities I will encounter other cool people and I will learn from them. I will talk. I will Listen. And I will share noteworthy information with you.

My road trip will involve nights spent with family and friends, motels, but also people meeting places like bed and breakfasts (which by the way, is one of the things I gave up along with my husband, my (our) adorable little Laughing Lizard Bed and Breakfast which I decorated, cooked for, and genuinely loved.) “He” didn’t love it. Funny how divorce settlements can have unexpected stupid outcomes! And how a quick decision can change the course of the rest of one’s life! If you believe in fate, then it was meant to be. Otherwise, the phrase “it happens” come to mind.

For the next couple of months, it will be me, my Honda, and you, my contingent of allies, my comrades, my audience, and I hope, my friends. One can never have enough friends. Email me, if you wish, share, comment, and commiserate.

When I get to Austin, you will hear from me. Love, Jan (jankunzi@yahoo.com)