Yellow Reflection

It's a pink cloudy morning with a hint of yellow reflection on everything below the sky.

And, for me, life here on earth is sort of regular these past few days, what with doing regular life and landlord things, and well..........................it kind of gets me down.

I was house and pet sitting for a friend. I got to enjoy their beautiful waterfront home, big screen TV, balcony views and large kitchen. There are nifty things throughout their home, lots of lizard type decorations and that reminded of what I no longer have. Maybe that's what started my feel fall.

Although books and websites assure me this is normal, now and then, I get sad and I start to think negative thoughts. (Ugg) Thoughts about divorce and loss and misunderstandings and limited funds and desires and taxes and expenses and all that crude that no one wants to think about. But there it is, front and center. Again. I really don't know about other people, I suspect most go through some sort of emotional highs and lows, but I find the lows quite frustrating and a bit of a struggle.

Yesterday a pleasant outgoing forty something lady stopped in the studio and we got to talking. It was clear that she was lonely and unsettled. She is married. They have moved many times during their married years and 10 months ago rented a house in Clearwater. The house went into foreclosure and they will need to move again next month. They have a bankruptcy in their recent past, hubby just opened a used car lot, and they can't get a mortgage. She is tired of moving, wants to settle down and decorate and paint and fix up a nest of her own, but they would need a creative purchase to do that. I listened and wondered what I would do in her shoes. I somehow felt luckier, better off, even in light of my wanting to move. She doesn't have friends here and that makes things worse. This was her second visit to Wabi Sabi. Not to buy. Just to talk!

I am a firm believer that attitude is everything and thoughts direct our lives. So when I get to feeling lousy and in a worrying mode, add to the other feelings, a fear of what I am conjuring up for myself.

I have STILL not made any decisions about where to live or what to do. I keep waiting for a sign or something to happen that will offer guidance. But nothing. I checked out some properties but none are what I am looking for and those that come close are pricey. I haven't heard from my potential renter for my studio. Perhaps he is not as interested as he indicated. Perhaps his feelings or his situation has changed. Perhaps that is a sign for me to stay? Perhaps he is waiting for me to call. Then again, seeing my "wasband" (new word for ex-) pass my window holding hands with yet another gal and later seeing him selling the rain barrels I painted sort of bummed me out. An encouraging push to move out of eye sight.

There are folks who live less unsettled, or so it seems. They live in a house they plan to live in till they die, or move into assisted living. They worked the same job all or most of their lives. They stayed married to their first love. They are happy watching TV, reading the paper, and taking a walk. They take a vacation now and then. And that's about it. And they seems to like it that way. Simple. Quiet.

At 62, it sounds nice to me, but it isn't me. I will move again, and that will require starting over with the decorating and household props as if I were 21. I will need a couch, a bed and a refrigerator among other things. I am involved in volunteer activities that are a little like a part-time job, I take care of the rentals, I am writing the history book, I want to travel more and far and long. I want life to be simple, quiet, easy. But instead, it is complicated and busy, with so much to do.

That said, I need to get going now. And it seems that while I have been writing the yellow reflection has turned into something less magical, a regular clear day.