You would think that after living 60 plus years a person would have figured out how to deal with the important stuff, that we would have learned not to sweat the small stuff, that the sun will rise tomorrow irregardless, that we can't please all of the people, etc., etc. We ought to have "it" all pretty much together by now. But, that dosen't really seem to be the case. At 60 we still get mad and bothered over the small stuff. We still haven't gotten organized. We regret not doing this or that and we wish we had done this or that. We still get mad, frustrated, worried, even though we know that worry is a waste of our precious energy. We just can't seem to easily relax, be content, be silly, and enjoy life.

I am however trying to remedy that situation. I have not only changed much of my life in the aftermath of divorce, but my thinking as well. And I think I am doing OK with that. I am relaxing more, being silly more and and chasing dreams. I am happier. But occasionally I think about, well, about the divorce....

OK, at this point I going to share some thoughts about divorce. If this topic doesn't interest you, I won't be offended if you just skip it. It is just me babbling anyway. Show up at the next post.

The thing about divorce is that it is hard to forget. Even after six months (and I know that really isn't that long) I still think about him (you know who I mean) more often then I'd like. I wonder if he knew that, what he would think. Then again, I wonder if he even cares. And I wonder, if he might think about me more than he wants? I wonder... Sometimes I think about how it was, about what happened. I don't want to, but I do. We never really talked, I mean REALLY talked, about "us", and never talked at all after the divorce, except for a few necessary settlement words. But the thoughts and memories are less painful now. I do have a few regrets. Sometimes, now and then, I wish it hadn't ended as it did, that we could have lived the fairy tale of happily ever after. But as often as that thought may enter my head, I remind myself that it's over and turn my thoughts to now and what's next. Still, it would be nice to talk. I would like him to know how it was for me and I would like to understand how it was for him. It wouldn't change anything, but it would be nice to know just the same. (But then again, maybe we don't really want to know!) Then again. I mean it was 39 years, after all. Tsk.

Having talked to a lot of people who are divorced, I've come to believe that divorce must leave behind some sort of imprint on our brain that never goes away. People who have divorced seem to remember it all too well. Some never really get over it. I am pretty sure people don't want to recall those thoughts so vividly, but when the topic comes up, there they are. Those thoughts. The whole enchilada which has been permanently stored on a chip in the brain, easily accessed and retrieved and occasionally just falling out of the file on it's own only to lay on the floor until picked back up and filed away until next time. So I was wondering. Do we ever completely get over it? Do we? I thought not!

One example for an explanation. Most people have a strong recollection of their teenage years. The music that was popular. The styles worn. The dances danced. The years before and after are less easily remembered. I think it is because of the hormones and overwhelming emotions experienced in the teen years. Things associated with intense emotion are not forgotten. I think divorce is like that. The associated emotions are so strong that everything about the divorce is too well remembered, for years and years after. 'Till death do us part!

I hope I wasn't being depressing here. I didn't mean it that way. I was just thinking and wondering and almost wishing that no one will read my babbling anyway.