Without a Map

Ours was not a friendly divorce. While there wasn’t any screaming or throwing of belongings in the street or pleading to get back together, there were no pleasantries either. Actually, there was really nothing. No unnecessary words were spoken. The end was quiet and empty.

We still haven’t “talked.” At some point I left the door ajar, “if you ever want to talk, I’ll listen,” but it seems he hasn’t wanted to talk, discuss, or otherwise make nice. And I guess if I were him, I wouldn’t want to hear what I have to say either. So we cut our losses and move on. I will admit though, that the divorce still sits on my brain, pestering me with thoughts I don’t want to think. But, just so you know, I have no desire to go back to the way it was, that’s not what the thoughts are about! It’s just that 39 years of marriage was a big deal and not easily ignored or forgotten.

I am beginning to want my road trip to start NOW, so I can get out of town, get away, and experience a 360 degree change of scenery. Just looking the other way hasn’t been enough.

When it comes to picking a road to get to Austin and other destinations, I have maps that show me where I am and where Austin is and I can chart the roads that will get me from one place to another. (Someone suggested getting a GPS saying that maps are totally unnecessary. Hmmmm. I’ll think about it. Right now, computers, and digital cameras and cell phones and my little recorder are about all the technology my 62 year old brain can handle.)

But I could use a GPS for living, because right now I am wandering down life’s highway without a map.

It would be helpful, I think, to have a life map, one that would show me where I am and where I want to go and more importantly, the route I need to take to get there? Otherwise it could be that I am just moving from place to place without actually moving in the right direction. I’m talking about the big picture…..my FUTURE, my LIFE, the places and things on which I will hang my heart for a while.

I read somewhere that when we are feeling good inside, really good, confident and happy, we must be on the right road going in the right direction. If we feel bad, we have probably deviated, are off track, headed wherever, lacking direction.

The trouble is, after a divorce, feeling bad for a while is apparently normal. Forgetting about the hurt and pain is really hard to do. But then, remembering is even worse. So I find myself on a muddy road with no signs, moving along without a map. Do I turn here, right or left, or do I keep going straight? Should I stop for a while and reconnoiter. Will either choice get me where I want to go? Is there more than one way. I hope so.