A Bad Day

I really don't want to complain, but being that we are such good friends, I think I can tell you...

Today is a bad day. On a bad day, I think about what could have been. I'm talking about the divorce again. It is still there, every other thought away. I hate that. We have to live with our choices, but whether I choose to stay in the marriage or choose to leave, tears were sure to follow.

I tell myself that I am strong and free to be me and learning to get along just fine. And I believe that. But today, I feel bad. It comes over me like a tidal wave sometimes. For no real reason. Nothing I can put my finger on. But I just feel sad.

I suppose it wouldn't be fair to complain about my ex, tell you all the gruesome details, my side of the story, or why I left. I'd like to, but not in such a public forum. Maybe one on one and then you can spread the gossip. Sometimes, I just want to share my pitiful feelings and all I want from you is that you listen. There is nothing to be done.

And I usually don't want to blog when I feel sad because I don't want to make you feel sad, but I thought, maybe it is OK that you know this time, because maybe you feel bad on occasion and you can share your feelings with me, knowing that I will understand and because I hope that by telling you, letting you know, it will help me deal with it and get happier. I think it will. I think perhaps, it already has, at least a little. Thank-you.

PS I am so incredibly lucky to have you in my life. You lift my spirit.

To do: Find a Balance

When I was younger I used to think that when I got older, say like, about, 62, that life would be pretty simple. No more 9 to 5, no more kids around, few needs yet to be filled, and lots of time to kick back and read, take walks, and sit around the coffee table talking to friends.

That's what I thought. Now I find out it taint that way at all.

First of all, the kids never really leave our thoughts, their lives are forever intertwined with ours, their problems and their successes. Secondly, somewhere along the line we may be responsible for our parent's lives, their problems and needs. Thirdly, we may be dealing with health issues we never thought much about before, some of those really huge. Fourth, we have to manage our money closer to manage our retirement, not to mention plan what that retirement will look like. Fifth, we need to find ways to keep up with a fast paced technological world that requires our attention, be it learning to manage three remotes to turn on the TV or banking online. Sixth, well, "you, over 62, yes you, fill in the plank, _____________________ but don't scare the youngsters." Life does not let us relax, even when we "retire."

All right, if I think about it some more. Some people do seem to go on cruises, cruise in RVs and cruise along just shopping, playing golf, and/or watching TV and eating out. They seem to have less to do. Or perhaps they simple do less. I don't know if I can make that work for me. It does look inviting from my window, though. 'Course, here I am blogging, planning a trip, running a studio, and learning how to fly (not literally) and I don't know how to stop complicating my life.

I guess I just don't sit still well. At least, not without a good book in my lap.

I have a friend who wants to retire, close down her business, move to a little house in the country far from everyone and everything, plant a garden, read, and sleep late every morning. When I picture that in my mind, it looks good for a month or so, then I see boredom setting in. That's not quite enough. The trick, I'm beginning to think, is to find that place between too much and not enough.

Seventh, I'll be workng on that.

I am officially 62

Today is my birthday.

Today I am 62. So it's official, when I start my journey I will be taking my 62 years on the road.

So right now, I am feeling perhaps, self indulgent and admit, that the pursuit of pleasure is one of my high priorities. This year I will be standing alone, taking action, starting fresh, and expressing independence. At least that's what it said in my horoscope. I don't usually read my horoscope, but today was different, it seemed like the thing to do.

It also said that I need to be patient and receptive, that I wouldn't be satisfied to conform, to expect sudden twists in life that force doing something different, that adjusting plans is in order, that setbacks are temporary and lead to more creative solutions and that I should act on intuition and gut feeling. There was a lot more to the horoscope, but I decided to choose the parts I liked and ignore the parts I didn't like, well, for instance this statement, "ambivalence may hinder and color interactions." I didn't like that prediction.

And now I am old enough for social security. Wow! It seems time flies whether you're having fun or not. Have I mentioned that I wonder why they call it SOCIAL security? You get a little check and so you have a little money and what has that got to do with "social" security, it doesn't even provide financial security. It doesn't insure you a place in society or help you make friends or really, do much of anything to make a person feel secure in any way. But I guess it is better than nothing at all. Just the same, I am 62 and I am taking all I can get.

I blew out candles on my chocolate birthday cake last night right after dinner with my usual Friday night dinner companions. I made a wish. I think birthday wishes carry a little more weight in the universe, so I didn't want to miss the opportunity.

It's my day. I ate cake for breakfast. I listened to happy birthday songs on YouTube. I put on a happy face and my dancing shoes. I am expecting something wonderful to happen! It's anything can happen day. I want to enjoy each moment.

And if I can do it for a day, why not for an entire year?

Let's get this show on the road!

I never really liked to drive

I remember quite well the first time "Daddy let me drive." Actually, he insisted I drive. I had no choice but to get behind the wheel the day I turned 15 and drive home after passing the test to get my learner's permit. I didn't want to drive. I'd never driven before and I was afraid. I wanted to learn in a parking lot or something, but Daddy said, "you either drive home now or forget about driving altogether." I guess he was having a bad day.

So, with tears in my eyes, I got behind the wheel and ever so cautiously began to drive home. Dad was pretty laid back about it, offering only a few instructions, just letting me figure it out. I was a nervous wreck. (It seems to me that it is usually the other way around, spunky overly confident kid, nervous Dad.)

I had been driving all of ten minutes or so, carefully observing all rules and speed limits and staying ever so cautiously in my lane and then, on a small country road with little traffic and one horse, suddenly there was a car and horse encounter, a lot of horse noise and rearing and a lot of young girl screaming. Through the tears, "I told you, Daddy, that I didn't know how to drive. I told you I didn't want to. You made me." Daddy quietly drove the rest of the way home. Neither horse nor human was really hurt, but the dent and the trauma lasted a long time. I wonder if that experience was the reason I never really liked to drive.

So , I am going on a long road trip, all by myself. Three months. Interstates. Country roads. City traffic. And I'm not even nervous.

Psychologically this must mean something. But what?

There's a real world out there

Have you noticed how people are spending a lot of their time in front of a screen, TVs, computers, ipods, cell phones, watching staged events while removed from the actual world and tuning out real people? Much of our leisure time is spent isolated from everyone and everything real.

And then people spend a great deal of the rest of their time completing private tasks of obligation and responsibility, be it a job, or housework, or studies, or even hobbies that are solitary such as reading or art.

Are we losing touch with real people? Does a travel documentary count as seeing other places? Is blogging and facebook a good substitute for actual human conversation?

Or can we, if we think about it, plan for it, pickup a little momentum to propel us forward into making contact in the physical world instead of the cyber world, into studying the lay of the land outside our front door, and beyond. You can't see my face right now, but I am smiling and pumping my fist as if to say, "Yes, let go for it.". Wouldn't it be better seeing me do it in person?

I hope that by taveling I can lose myself in the real world instead of in books or in front of the computer screen, and find myself experiencing real adventures and seeing actual sites and sights, and meeting real people who I can shake hands with and who can see me while I talk. Cool concept huh?

Without a Map

Ours was not a friendly divorce. While there wasn’t any screaming or throwing of belongings in the street or pleading to get back together, there were no pleasantries either. Actually, there was really nothing. No unnecessary words were spoken. The end was quiet and empty.

We still haven’t “talked.” At some point I left the door ajar, “if you ever want to talk, I’ll listen,” but it seems he hasn’t wanted to talk, discuss, or otherwise make nice. And I guess if I were him, I wouldn’t want to hear what I have to say either. So we cut our losses and move on. I will admit though, that the divorce still sits on my brain, pestering me with thoughts I don’t want to think. But, just so you know, I have no desire to go back to the way it was, that’s not what the thoughts are about! It’s just that 39 years of marriage was a big deal and not easily ignored or forgotten.

I am beginning to want my road trip to start NOW, so I can get out of town, get away, and experience a 360 degree change of scenery. Just looking the other way hasn’t been enough.

When it comes to picking a road to get to Austin and other destinations, I have maps that show me where I am and where Austin is and I can chart the roads that will get me from one place to another. (Someone suggested getting a GPS saying that maps are totally unnecessary. Hmmmm. I’ll think about it. Right now, computers, and digital cameras and cell phones and my little recorder are about all the technology my 62 year old brain can handle.)

But I could use a GPS for living, because right now I am wandering down life’s highway without a map.

It would be helpful, I think, to have a life map, one that would show me where I am and where I want to go and more importantly, the route I need to take to get there? Otherwise it could be that I am just moving from place to place without actually moving in the right direction. I’m talking about the big picture…..my FUTURE, my LIFE, the places and things on which I will hang my heart for a while.

I read somewhere that when we are feeling good inside, really good, confident and happy, we must be on the right road going in the right direction. If we feel bad, we have probably deviated, are off track, headed wherever, lacking direction.

The trouble is, after a divorce, feeling bad for a while is apparently normal. Forgetting about the hurt and pain is really hard to do. But then, remembering is even worse. So I find myself on a muddy road with no signs, moving along without a map. Do I turn here, right or left, or do I keep going straight? Should I stop for a while and reconnoiter. Will either choice get me where I want to go? Is there more than one way. I hope so.

An ecomonic revival plan

I heard on the news that people are currently saving more than they ever have before, which normally would be considered a good thing, but nowadays it means they are afraid to spend their money (which makes it even harder for the economy to recover.) Many have lost their jobs. I read in the newspaper about an older lady who is moving to Costa Rica to live until the economy turns around. (Jumping ship?) Stores and restaurants are closing. Homes are being foreclosed on. Apartments are standing empty. Retirees are watching their nest eggs dwindle. It's a bleak picture.

Most people I talk to are hurried, worried, and ridiculously busy, working harder and longer trying to meet unreasonable deadlines and unachievable goals. Retirees are staying put, sittling still, so to speak. Discouraged.

I feel guilty. I am not really discouraged or worried. What's wrong with me?

I am, however trying to do my part to turn things around. I have opened a new studio and gallery in a futile attempt to sell totally unnecessary and whimsical art. I've hired someone to put up a sign so folks will know I am here trying to sell them stuff. In seven weeks I will close the studio and travel for three months and spend my savings on hotel rooms and gas. For the three months it will take me to circumnavigate continental USA, I plan on being radically unproductive and slow, allowing myself to kick back and slip into a pleasurable groove with only a few achievable objectives and a flexible schedule. Trying to slow things down a bit. Set an example.

I am being radically optimistic. It seems to me that if we save a little, but still spend a little, buy stuff, you know, someone would have to make the stuff so workers would have to be hired and then they would have money to pay mortgages and buy some more stuff. And if some of us are traveling, hotels would keep maids and clerks employed. Gas stations would sell more gas and restaurants would be filled with hungry travelers. In other words, we would be on our way to a thriving economy.

So as I said, I am doing my part. I'm not making this too simple am I?