I have posted 100 times in this blog, "62 Years on the Road." This will be 101 and coincidentally, this month I turn 63!
I will probably need a new title to work with. Something like "63 to 64," or "Beyond 62," or maybe simply " 63 in 2010." I'll work on it.
Cold weather is getting me down. I never liked the cold when I lived up north and I still don't do well with it. It makes me crabby and tense and I find it hard to get any real work done.
So with that said, let me say this.
One nice thing about this blog is that I can be crabby, write about some stupid complaint and wine about whatever I want, feel like I told the world, then highlight and delete! It is like ranting and raving without the consequence of retribution. I can say *(^#*/!... and ain't he */(^#! and aren't they______ and just #Gr!*8;?ETC.......DELETE! What fun!!! So there, I feel better.
Marcus Aurelius said "If you are distressed by anything, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it and this you have the power to revoke at any minute." And he didn't even have a "delete" button.
Attitude is everything!
So I hate to think about yesterday when I let pesky people bother me. For a little while I got caught up in local politics, I took a stand and felt intimidated to back down, and I did, a little, and I hate to say it, but I also gossiped, just a bit, and I am mad at myself for doing it, although it wasn't really hurtful gossip, but still. Sometimes behaving human frustrates me. I would rather think I am above petty annoyances and confident of myself, and not care what people think of me, but sometimes I'm not, I'm not, and I do.
Today, my little world is better simply because I think it's better. Cool huh? To whatever extent we can, we get to choose an illusion that appeals to our current temperament, then live it and be happy. So here I am living comfortably in my funky eclectic office gallery studio close to the glorious Gulf, with plans to meet friends for breakfast and dinner and get a haircut in between. I am writing in this blog feeling quite cozy while sitting in bed this morning with a hot cup of coffee beside me and frankly, in spite of a bad economy, in spite of a faulty weather system, in spite of pesky people, and in spite of...... well there is no other "in spite of," I am pretty happy with "things." I wouldn't mind a few million in the bank, but hey, life is good just the same. And it is getting even better as I write!!!
Choose warm happy thoughts! Remember you are loved.
So far, I haven't found a tenant so that I can move and reduce chance of the close encounters. That was another resolution, to move. The sign is up, the place is listed. Patience.
I met another cool person yesterday. She's quite an accomplished artist, earning money as a nurse, getting married on the beach in two weeks and so interesting to talk to. Very creative, she has a website, and great ideas and enthusiam. We're having lunch Thursday.
I seem to meet terrific people everywhere I turn.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Good Morning, Afternoon, or Evening!
Today is the last morning of February, 2010.
At 6:00 AM. I glanced out my window and saw a big golden full moon not to high in the western sky. The sun wouldn't be seen for at least a half hour. I thought I might be lucky enough to see my second moonset. I put on my woollies, filled an insulated cup with hot coffee and headed out to the beach.
I walked north while the moon slowly dropped toward the Gulf. The eastern sky had ever so slight a hint that the sun was working its way up. As I walked I sensed a race between the two. Would the sun come up before the moon reached the horizon and cast enough light to obscure the setting moon from my view? I got a feeling that time was irrelevant for a while. It was both day and night all rolled into one. It was beautiful. The moon was a bright ball in the west above the Gulf, just like the sun gets when it sets in the evening.
It looked like the moon would get to melt into the water before the sun was high enough. I felt so lucky. Then, Oh No! Unexpectedly, the moon only fifteen feet above the water (or so it seemed), suddenly got flat on the bottom. Oh No! It was slipping into a slice in the sky and disappearing. I couldn't see any clouds, but the moon was now only half a moon, then only the top quarter of it could be seen and I was so disappointed. And just when it was about to disappear all together, the bottom of it slipped out from another slice and it caught my breath. There was still enough sky at the horizon for whole moon to sit. Maybe! It was still dark enough, although barely. The eastern sky was beginning to get pink. I held my breath. There it was...the bottom half of the moon! Moving toward the water. Then... another shadow, another cloud, the moon once again getting flat on the bottom but not yet at the water line. At one point the moon was a rectangle in the sky before it disappeared completely no more than a foot above the horizon. Drat! I didn't get to see it set into the Gulf. Double drat!
As I walked home a very bright yellow sun popped up. Another day had begun. It was 6:40AM.
Although living alone has it definite advantages, one of the disadvantages is that when something interesting happens, like almost experiencing my second moonset, there is no one to tell. By the time I got this computer up and running, the awesome feeling I had of being out on the dark beach watching the sun and moon vie for the sky was waining a little. I thought I'd gotten lucky and then it was over. But all in all, it was a great way to start the day. It's seven:19 on a lovely morning. 50 degrees. Light blue sky. I hope your day will be, is, or has been fantastic. Mine is looking good.
At 6:00 AM. I glanced out my window and saw a big golden full moon not to high in the western sky. The sun wouldn't be seen for at least a half hour. I thought I might be lucky enough to see my second moonset. I put on my woollies, filled an insulated cup with hot coffee and headed out to the beach.
I walked north while the moon slowly dropped toward the Gulf. The eastern sky had ever so slight a hint that the sun was working its way up. As I walked I sensed a race between the two. Would the sun come up before the moon reached the horizon and cast enough light to obscure the setting moon from my view? I got a feeling that time was irrelevant for a while. It was both day and night all rolled into one. It was beautiful. The moon was a bright ball in the west above the Gulf, just like the sun gets when it sets in the evening.
It looked like the moon would get to melt into the water before the sun was high enough. I felt so lucky. Then, Oh No! Unexpectedly, the moon only fifteen feet above the water (or so it seemed), suddenly got flat on the bottom. Oh No! It was slipping into a slice in the sky and disappearing. I couldn't see any clouds, but the moon was now only half a moon, then only the top quarter of it could be seen and I was so disappointed. And just when it was about to disappear all together, the bottom of it slipped out from another slice and it caught my breath. There was still enough sky at the horizon for whole moon to sit. Maybe! It was still dark enough, although barely. The eastern sky was beginning to get pink. I held my breath. There it was...the bottom half of the moon! Moving toward the water. Then... another shadow, another cloud, the moon once again getting flat on the bottom but not yet at the water line. At one point the moon was a rectangle in the sky before it disappeared completely no more than a foot above the horizon. Drat! I didn't get to see it set into the Gulf. Double drat!
As I walked home a very bright yellow sun popped up. Another day had begun. It was 6:40AM.
Although living alone has it definite advantages, one of the disadvantages is that when something interesting happens, like almost experiencing my second moonset, there is no one to tell. By the time I got this computer up and running, the awesome feeling I had of being out on the dark beach watching the sun and moon vie for the sky was waining a little. I thought I'd gotten lucky and then it was over. But all in all, it was a great way to start the day. It's seven:19 on a lovely morning. 50 degrees. Light blue sky. I hope your day will be, is, or has been fantastic. Mine is looking good.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Twenty ten twice!
Two months into 2010.....already! TWO MONTHS GONE. Yikes! I have so many things I want to do this year. So here's an idea I have. When January 1, 2011 comes along, let's all pretend that it is 2010 (again) and make 2010 two years long. We could then maybe have time to actually get something done this year. I bet most people would go along. We have ten months to think about it.
Besides much of this year has been lost due to the weather, and that seems to be the case no matter where you live in continental USA. The cold has made us sluggish. It has confused us. We are off kilter. How can we ever be expected to accomplish anything while hunched and huddled trying to keep warm.
While traveling last summer, I had hoped to have chance encounters with cool people, but it really didn't happen in any significant memorable way. But yesterday right here in my own backyard (a figure of speech), a gal stopped into my gallery and we got to talking. While I was traveling last summer so was she, touring the USA by herself, camping and staying occasionally in hotels. We had been to many of the same places doing many of the same things, each of us by ourselves. Any new subject raised in our conversation came with smile and a seriously shared understanding. We were so much alike it was spooky and wonderful. I felt like I'd met a younger me. She is in her mid forties. She had been recently laid off from a long time job and took the opportunity to travel. I was recently divorced taking the same opportunity. I hope we can get together again and share wine and stories. (She mentioned that when she was on the road and in a new place and feeling lonely, she had to put herself out there to meet people. You know, walk up and say 'Hi." I gave her my number. I hope she calls and says "Hi.")
Often in life, we get what we ask for, but it happens a bit differently than we expected it to. I think its true that our thoughts become the things and events in our lives. Ask, believe and be patience. Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.
Which leads me to thinking about 2010 again. I better get busy.
Besides much of this year has been lost due to the weather, and that seems to be the case no matter where you live in continental USA. The cold has made us sluggish. It has confused us. We are off kilter. How can we ever be expected to accomplish anything while hunched and huddled trying to keep warm.
While traveling last summer, I had hoped to have chance encounters with cool people, but it really didn't happen in any significant memorable way. But yesterday right here in my own backyard (a figure of speech), a gal stopped into my gallery and we got to talking. While I was traveling last summer so was she, touring the USA by herself, camping and staying occasionally in hotels. We had been to many of the same places doing many of the same things, each of us by ourselves. Any new subject raised in our conversation came with smile and a seriously shared understanding. We were so much alike it was spooky and wonderful. I felt like I'd met a younger me. She is in her mid forties. She had been recently laid off from a long time job and took the opportunity to travel. I was recently divorced taking the same opportunity. I hope we can get together again and share wine and stories. (She mentioned that when she was on the road and in a new place and feeling lonely, she had to put herself out there to meet people. You know, walk up and say 'Hi." I gave her my number. I hope she calls and says "Hi.")
Often in life, we get what we ask for, but it happens a bit differently than we expected it to. I think its true that our thoughts become the things and events in our lives. Ask, believe and be patience. Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.
Which leads me to thinking about 2010 again. I better get busy.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Click!
Today I feel immense, powerful, happy, oriented. I would take the last brownie off the plate because I feel I deserve it as much as anyone. I feel that good.
There is no particular reason for this feeling. I haven't won the lottery (although, I bought a ticket last week just for fun and was hopeful), nor have I found a tenant or publisher. Really nothing has changed except my feelings. This is one of those good days.
Actually yesterday wasn't bad either. I'm on a roll here.
I felt something change the day before yesterday. A click into place. I've heard that click (snap)before and it's a good sound. It means something has been secured in my emotional self, something has been positively resolved, and it will be lasting. I love that click. I am sure it has to do with my good feeling.
That's all.
There is no particular reason for this feeling. I haven't won the lottery (although, I bought a ticket last week just for fun and was hopeful), nor have I found a tenant or publisher. Really nothing has changed except my feelings. This is one of those good days.
Actually yesterday wasn't bad either. I'm on a roll here.
I felt something change the day before yesterday. A click into place. I've heard that click (snap)before and it's a good sound. It means something has been secured in my emotional self, something has been positively resolved, and it will be lasting. I love that click. I am sure it has to do with my good feeling.
That's all.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Hi, I haven't talked to you for a while. So it is nice to "see" you again.
It's almost the end of January and so far I have bombed big time on New Year's resolution #2. It isn't that I don't try or that I forget. It's just that my brain does its own thing. My brain seems to tell me what to think about, rather than me telling my brain what to think about. Very peculiar. And frustrating. It's like when people worry constantly even when it is obvious that worrying ruins the present moment and does nothing to improve the future! They worry anyway. The reality of my situation is that I was married for 39 years (twice as long as not married) and I haven't yet quite been able to push it out of my head and stop caring. Love and hurt don't subside easily for me. (Help! I'm being held prisoner by my past and my mind!)
I'm experimenting with meditation to overcome this troublesome situation, quiet my mind, and gain some sort of control over my thoughts. If you have never tried to meditate, you can't appreciate how the mind, when you want it to be still, becomes a fast talking news commentator/analyst/mother that doesn't need to breathe. In other words, the opposite of quiet. Wish me luck.
All this thinking of "you know what" has caused me to escalate resolution #5. Move. Out of sight! Out of mind! Yeah, I know I should have probably done this sooner, but I didn't. Add it to the long list of shoulda's, a list I need to set afloat in the Gulf of Mexico on the outgoing tide.
One problem has been this ridiculous cold weather. I have never done well in the cold. It makes me pace around, with my arms crossed over my chest and my shoulders hunched, in an attempt to keep warm. I don't think well when I make myself small like that. But I'm not sitting around either. I had out of town cousin company for a week and that was really swell. I have pulled together income tax info, painted furniture, written, cleaned and gone places. I'm busy, and.....
It's been good. I have had moments, really good moments. I have also, on occasion, been everywhere else I possibly can go emotionally. My life is such as it is right now. But better every single day. I have heard it said that as long as we are faced in the right direction, all we have to do is keep moving and we will eventually get THERE. I intend to keep moving.
A "For Rent" sign will be erected soon which needs to get results before resolution #5 becomes an option. But I am making plans for the move just the same, albeit very flexible plans. Plans that don't include when and where! Or for that matter, how! Believe it or not, plans can be made without that information.
Interesting people have stopped in the gallery lately adding to my daily enjoyment of life. I love chance encounters with cool people. I seek them out....or sometimes they must seek me out. Yesterday a 17 year old girl with a bit of a punk style about her stopped in. She is working on her GED, trying to get a job so she can stay in town when her Mom moves somewhere else. But about the time I figured she had herself pretty much together (for a 17 year old), she told me she had spent the last six weeks camping with her abusive older boyfriend, a trip that ended with a call to the police and the arrest of her boyfriend. I think 17 is tougher than 62.
I also had a Pennsylvania interior decorator who helps people with color issues stop in. She bought some of my art stuff so I was flattered. I also talked with a published poet, The Doctor in the Night (who also happens to be a cardiologist) and folks who live with bears and leopards on the upper peninsula of Michigan. These have all been excellent people to meet. Be it known that I would still love to have a chance encounter with a handsome, pleasant, 60 something, financially stable single man.
This is about as close to renewing my blogging efforts as I can get at the moment. Time moves fast and it's impossible for me to keep up. But, you know, I feel pretty good about life. Between getting up in the morning and going to bed at night, I pretty much do what I want. Not bad.
Take care of you. You're cool!
It's almost the end of January and so far I have bombed big time on New Year's resolution #2. It isn't that I don't try or that I forget. It's just that my brain does its own thing. My brain seems to tell me what to think about, rather than me telling my brain what to think about. Very peculiar. And frustrating. It's like when people worry constantly even when it is obvious that worrying ruins the present moment and does nothing to improve the future! They worry anyway. The reality of my situation is that I was married for 39 years (twice as long as not married) and I haven't yet quite been able to push it out of my head and stop caring. Love and hurt don't subside easily for me. (Help! I'm being held prisoner by my past and my mind!)
I'm experimenting with meditation to overcome this troublesome situation, quiet my mind, and gain some sort of control over my thoughts. If you have never tried to meditate, you can't appreciate how the mind, when you want it to be still, becomes a fast talking news commentator/analyst/mother that doesn't need to breathe. In other words, the opposite of quiet. Wish me luck.
All this thinking of "you know what" has caused me to escalate resolution #5. Move. Out of sight! Out of mind! Yeah, I know I should have probably done this sooner, but I didn't. Add it to the long list of shoulda's, a list I need to set afloat in the Gulf of Mexico on the outgoing tide.
One problem has been this ridiculous cold weather. I have never done well in the cold. It makes me pace around, with my arms crossed over my chest and my shoulders hunched, in an attempt to keep warm. I don't think well when I make myself small like that. But I'm not sitting around either. I had out of town cousin company for a week and that was really swell. I have pulled together income tax info, painted furniture, written, cleaned and gone places. I'm busy, and.....
It's been good. I have had moments, really good moments. I have also, on occasion, been everywhere else I possibly can go emotionally. My life is such as it is right now. But better every single day. I have heard it said that as long as we are faced in the right direction, all we have to do is keep moving and we will eventually get THERE. I intend to keep moving.
A "For Rent" sign will be erected soon which needs to get results before resolution #5 becomes an option. But I am making plans for the move just the same, albeit very flexible plans. Plans that don't include when and where! Or for that matter, how! Believe it or not, plans can be made without that information.
Interesting people have stopped in the gallery lately adding to my daily enjoyment of life. I love chance encounters with cool people. I seek them out....or sometimes they must seek me out. Yesterday a 17 year old girl with a bit of a punk style about her stopped in. She is working on her GED, trying to get a job so she can stay in town when her Mom moves somewhere else. But about the time I figured she had herself pretty much together (for a 17 year old), she told me she had spent the last six weeks camping with her abusive older boyfriend, a trip that ended with a call to the police and the arrest of her boyfriend. I think 17 is tougher than 62.
I also had a Pennsylvania interior decorator who helps people with color issues stop in. She bought some of my art stuff so I was flattered. I also talked with a published poet, The Doctor in the Night (who also happens to be a cardiologist) and folks who live with bears and leopards on the upper peninsula of Michigan. These have all been excellent people to meet. Be it known that I would still love to have a chance encounter with a handsome, pleasant, 60 something, financially stable single man.
This is about as close to renewing my blogging efforts as I can get at the moment. Time moves fast and it's impossible for me to keep up. But, you know, I feel pretty good about life. Between getting up in the morning and going to bed at night, I pretty much do what I want. Not bad.
Take care of you. You're cool!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Ready or Not, 2010
Can't we slow things down a bit. I'm not ready. 2010 is galloping at break neck speed and will simply leave me in the dust if I can't gear up for it. Then it will be 2011 and ...........
Here is where I start to babble, chew the fat, yammer, yak, chatter and yaw.
This is what I want for 2010. 2010 to be my kind of year. I will be happier than I've ever been, laughing harder, standing taller, walking lighter, smiling bigger, hugging more, loving louder, living grander, and enjoying my new found confidence and contentment.
In the past when I put something out there, I mean actually say it out loud, to someone else, then it's a done deal. The saying of it makes it real, rather than just an idle thought. I sure hope blogging counts as saying it, because actually, I am telling more people, practically yelling it from the roof tops. It would be too embarrassing not to follow through!
That isn't exactly a resolution, however, it's more like a statement of intent. A resolution is a vow to do something. Resolutions are more specific.
So lets see, with only one day left in 2009, here are my resolutions. I will, in 2010:
1. Write everyday, not necessarily in my blog, I am working on a book, and other stuff (she says humbly and timidly). I started this blog in January, it has been one whole year. Hard to imagine. But it is December now. It truely feels like the end of the first volume. And I guess I will have to start a NEW blog, Volume two....63 years and living in paradise (or something!)
2. Stop, I repeat, STOP, STop, StoP thinking about divorce and my ex, the sentimental stuff I left behind but shoulda took, the coulda's, shoulda's, what shoulda been's, etc, and then forgive myself for the mistakes I have made along the way to here (It has been easier, you see, to forgive him and let go then to forgive myself for not being braver, stronger, smarter, etc. sooner. It still hurts a bit. Lost love. Lost dreams. Etc. Darn.)
3. Did I say forgive myself? I did, didn't I. You see, although I know that I have always done the best I could, made the best decisions I could, but (and I am now making excuses) in the emotion of the final days of our marriage, I did not make the best decisions, for me, and I am working on forgiving myself and letting that all go. This is a biggy for me. To forgive myself and just let go of the past.
4. Take another BIG trip, on the road or otherwise. Small trips don't count toward this resolution.
5. Move out of here. (That will help me to keep resolution #2)
Perhaps 5 resolutions is enough. For now. Those are pretty big ones. The journey begins...
Now in review of 2009. It was an incredible year for me chock full of love from friends and family. A three month road trip! A new grand baby. A week in Boston with the girlfriends. Wabi Sabi, the Studio and Gallery (well, actually, that didn't go as well as I had hoped, but, hey, still....), a book contract however humble, maintaining a size 4 (who would have thought?), and my first full year as a single person. I have to say, looking back, it was an adventure, but not without a certain amount of retrospection and tears, (the junk in my trunk) that I had to continually overcome so that I could truly appreciate and enjoy the other stuff.
You know, as much as I mean to show you the real me, as much as I want to be totally honest, I am only showing 80% . Here's why, here's another 10% of me......scary, gulp, deep breath........
Resolution #2 eludes: I still have some harrowing moments of despair, now and then a good cry, a really bad day. When the wave of despair comes, as much as I want to surf, I get swamped. I get tossed, battered, and choke. I do not let anyone know for fear of boring them with my groaning and whining and negativity and fear of seeming less capable, deranged or pathetic. Yes I suppose, as much as I don't want to care what people think of me, to a certain extent, I do. Ugh. Anyway. The feeling passes. But oh how awful it feels the night before.
There,it is, still a part of me. Thus my intention for the new year, to be happier and walk lighter. To surf the wave. (I attribute these feelings to the grieving process of lost dreams and hope that are an inevitable part of divorce and I count on time doing it's thing, and a little help from my friends! I just don't know what is a reasonable length of time before I should be really concerned about my sanity.)
Enough of that. And back to the new year. I hope you are already quite happy and content, but if you are not then I wish that for you, and I hope for you also all that you want for yourself. I hope we can count of each other. Help each other along the way. Laugh together. Hold hands and be safe.
I love you. I mean it.
Jan
Here is where I start to babble, chew the fat, yammer, yak, chatter and yaw.
This is what I want for 2010. 2010 to be my kind of year. I will be happier than I've ever been, laughing harder, standing taller, walking lighter, smiling bigger, hugging more, loving louder, living grander, and enjoying my new found confidence and contentment.
In the past when I put something out there, I mean actually say it out loud, to someone else, then it's a done deal. The saying of it makes it real, rather than just an idle thought. I sure hope blogging counts as saying it, because actually, I am telling more people, practically yelling it from the roof tops. It would be too embarrassing not to follow through!
That isn't exactly a resolution, however, it's more like a statement of intent. A resolution is a vow to do something. Resolutions are more specific.
So lets see, with only one day left in 2009, here are my resolutions. I will, in 2010:
1. Write everyday, not necessarily in my blog, I am working on a book, and other stuff (she says humbly and timidly). I started this blog in January, it has been one whole year. Hard to imagine. But it is December now. It truely feels like the end of the first volume. And I guess I will have to start a NEW blog, Volume two....63 years and living in paradise (or something!)
2. Stop, I repeat, STOP, STop, StoP thinking about divorce and my ex, the sentimental stuff I left behind but shoulda took, the coulda's, shoulda's, what shoulda been's, etc, and then forgive myself for the mistakes I have made along the way to here (It has been easier, you see, to forgive him and let go then to forgive myself for not being braver, stronger, smarter, etc. sooner. It still hurts a bit. Lost love. Lost dreams. Etc. Darn.)
3. Did I say forgive myself? I did, didn't I. You see, although I know that I have always done the best I could, made the best decisions I could, but (and I am now making excuses) in the emotion of the final days of our marriage, I did not make the best decisions, for me, and I am working on forgiving myself and letting that all go. This is a biggy for me. To forgive myself and just let go of the past.
4. Take another BIG trip, on the road or otherwise. Small trips don't count toward this resolution.
5. Move out of here. (That will help me to keep resolution #2)
Perhaps 5 resolutions is enough. For now. Those are pretty big ones. The journey begins...
Now in review of 2009. It was an incredible year for me chock full of love from friends and family. A three month road trip! A new grand baby. A week in Boston with the girlfriends. Wabi Sabi, the Studio and Gallery (well, actually, that didn't go as well as I had hoped, but, hey, still....), a book contract however humble, maintaining a size 4 (who would have thought?), and my first full year as a single person. I have to say, looking back, it was an adventure, but not without a certain amount of retrospection and tears, (the junk in my trunk) that I had to continually overcome so that I could truly appreciate and enjoy the other stuff.
You know, as much as I mean to show you the real me, as much as I want to be totally honest, I am only showing 80% . Here's why, here's another 10% of me......scary, gulp, deep breath........
Resolution #2 eludes: I still have some harrowing moments of despair, now and then a good cry, a really bad day. When the wave of despair comes, as much as I want to surf, I get swamped. I get tossed, battered, and choke. I do not let anyone know for fear of boring them with my groaning and whining and negativity and fear of seeming less capable, deranged or pathetic. Yes I suppose, as much as I don't want to care what people think of me, to a certain extent, I do. Ugh. Anyway. The feeling passes. But oh how awful it feels the night before.
There,it is, still a part of me. Thus my intention for the new year, to be happier and walk lighter. To surf the wave. (I attribute these feelings to the grieving process of lost dreams and hope that are an inevitable part of divorce and I count on time doing it's thing, and a little help from my friends! I just don't know what is a reasonable length of time before I should be really concerned about my sanity.)
Enough of that. And back to the new year. I hope you are already quite happy and content, but if you are not then I wish that for you, and I hope for you also all that you want for yourself. I hope we can count of each other. Help each other along the way. Laugh together. Hold hands and be safe.
I love you. I mean it.
Jan
Saturday, December 19, 2009
A Christmas Eve Memory
I have a memory. A ghost of Christmas past.
This may not even be a real happening or maybe it is a distortion of a real happening. But it is recorded in my memory banks as if it did happen just this way.
It was Christmas eve. I was very small but big enough to know that Christmas was supposed to be about giving, not about receiving.
On Christmas eve, my family and my mother's sister and brothers' families would all get together and we laughed and played and ate and exchanged gifts in what I determined was a haphazard organized fashion. I adored these extended family gatherings. On Christmas eve, the best event was when the kids handed out gifts tagged to every member of the family from every other family. It was a lot of presents. There was a lot of oh-ing and ahh-ing and crumpled wrapping paper.
But....this particular Christmas eve I noticed that my grandfather wasn't getting any gifts. Not a one. I couldn't believe it. How could all the adults in the family have forgotten "Popper?" I loved Popper. He looked confused and peculiar as he was the one person who received nothing from anyone. My heart ached. I wanted to run and find something to wrap and give to him. In fact, I may have done that, wrapped something inappropriate found somewhere in the house and given it to him and although he said thank you, I knew he knew it was an afterthought gift wrapped quickly to make up for being forgotten. I wanted to sit in his lap and hug him, but actually, Popper wasn't the sort of grandpa you did that to. We loved him, but without the cuddling.
For a few moments I doubted my families' togetherness, thoughtfulness, connection. I wondered how Popper was taking it. My little heart was breaking. It isn't that our gifts were expensive or big, but still they were thoughtful and something someone took the time to get and wrap and give. They were meaningful. They were the special part of Christmas for a little kid.
THEN.
Two uncles walked into a back room and pushed out a new big blue elegant lounge chair and placed it in front of Popper and everyone shouted Merry Christmas. My eyes got big, my heart thumped audibly. Popper had gotten a "special" gift, a BIG gift, that everyone had chipped in to buy for him.
What a family I had! What a wonderful loving thoughtful caring excellent family. Faith restored.
I don't know why this particular incident has stayed with me while the particulars of most of my young Christmas memories have been filed too deep to be readily retrieved. But there it is, front and center in my memory bank. I have no idea why???
Merry Christmas to my wonderful extended family, and Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
This may not even be a real happening or maybe it is a distortion of a real happening. But it is recorded in my memory banks as if it did happen just this way.
It was Christmas eve. I was very small but big enough to know that Christmas was supposed to be about giving, not about receiving.
On Christmas eve, my family and my mother's sister and brothers' families would all get together and we laughed and played and ate and exchanged gifts in what I determined was a haphazard organized fashion. I adored these extended family gatherings. On Christmas eve, the best event was when the kids handed out gifts tagged to every member of the family from every other family. It was a lot of presents. There was a lot of oh-ing and ahh-ing and crumpled wrapping paper.
But....this particular Christmas eve I noticed that my grandfather wasn't getting any gifts. Not a one. I couldn't believe it. How could all the adults in the family have forgotten "Popper?" I loved Popper. He looked confused and peculiar as he was the one person who received nothing from anyone. My heart ached. I wanted to run and find something to wrap and give to him. In fact, I may have done that, wrapped something inappropriate found somewhere in the house and given it to him and although he said thank you, I knew he knew it was an afterthought gift wrapped quickly to make up for being forgotten. I wanted to sit in his lap and hug him, but actually, Popper wasn't the sort of grandpa you did that to. We loved him, but without the cuddling.
For a few moments I doubted my families' togetherness, thoughtfulness, connection. I wondered how Popper was taking it. My little heart was breaking. It isn't that our gifts were expensive or big, but still they were thoughtful and something someone took the time to get and wrap and give. They were meaningful. They were the special part of Christmas for a little kid.
THEN.
Two uncles walked into a back room and pushed out a new big blue elegant lounge chair and placed it in front of Popper and everyone shouted Merry Christmas. My eyes got big, my heart thumped audibly. Popper had gotten a "special" gift, a BIG gift, that everyone had chipped in to buy for him.
What a family I had! What a wonderful loving thoughtful caring excellent family. Faith restored.
I don't know why this particular incident has stayed with me while the particulars of most of my young Christmas memories have been filed too deep to be readily retrieved. But there it is, front and center in my memory bank. I have no idea why???
Merry Christmas to my wonderful extended family, and Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
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