Ready or Not, 2010

Can't we slow things down a bit. I'm not ready. 2010 is galloping at break neck speed and will simply leave me in the dust if I can't gear up for it. Then it will be 2011 and ...........

Here is where I start to babble, chew the fat, yammer, yak, chatter and yaw.

This is what I want for 2010. 2010 to be my kind of year. I will be happier than I've ever been, laughing harder, standing taller, walking lighter, smiling bigger, hugging more, loving louder, living grander, and enjoying my new found confidence and contentment.

In the past when I put something out there, I mean actually say it out loud, to someone else, then it's a done deal. The saying of it makes it real, rather than just an idle thought. I sure hope blogging counts as saying it, because actually, I am telling more people, practically yelling it from the roof tops. It would be too embarrassing not to follow through!

That isn't exactly a resolution, however, it's more like a statement of intent. A resolution is a vow to do something. Resolutions are more specific.

So lets see, with only one day left in 2009, here are my resolutions. I will, in 2010:

1. Write everyday, not necessarily in my blog, I am working on a book, and other stuff (she says humbly and timidly). I started this blog in January, it has been one whole year. Hard to imagine. But it is December now. It truely feels like the end of the first volume. And I guess I will have to start a NEW blog, Volume two....63 years and living in paradise (or something!)

2. Stop, I repeat, STOP, STop, StoP thinking about divorce and my ex, the sentimental stuff I left behind but shoulda took, the coulda's, shoulda's, what shoulda been's, etc, and then forgive myself for the mistakes I have made along the way to here (It has been easier, you see, to forgive him and let go then to forgive myself for not being braver, stronger, smarter, etc. sooner. It still hurts a bit. Lost love. Lost dreams. Etc. Darn.)

3. Did I say forgive myself? I did, didn't I. You see, although I know that I have always done the best I could, made the best decisions I could, but (and I am now making excuses) in the emotion of the final days of our marriage, I did not make the best decisions, for me, and I am working on forgiving myself and letting that all go. This is a biggy for me. To forgive myself and just let go of the past.

4. Take another BIG trip, on the road or otherwise. Small trips don't count toward this resolution.

5. Move out of here. (That will help me to keep resolution #2)

Perhaps 5 resolutions is enough. For now. Those are pretty big ones. The journey begins...

Now in review of 2009. It was an incredible year for me chock full of love from friends and family. A three month road trip! A new grand baby. A week in Boston with the girlfriends. Wabi Sabi, the Studio and Gallery (well, actually, that didn't go as well as I had hoped, but, hey, still....), a book contract however humble, maintaining a size 4 (who would have thought?), and my first full year as a single person. I have to say, looking back, it was an adventure, but not without a certain amount of retrospection and tears, (the junk in my trunk) that I had to continually overcome so that I could truly appreciate and enjoy the other stuff.

You know, as much as I mean to show you the real me, as much as I want to be totally honest, I am only showing 80% . Here's why, here's another 10% of me......scary, gulp, deep breath........

Resolution #2 eludes: I still have some harrowing moments of despair, now and then a good cry, a really bad day. When the wave of despair comes, as much as I want to surf, I get swamped. I get tossed, battered, and choke. I do not let anyone know for fear of boring them with my groaning and whining and negativity and fear of seeming less capable, deranged or pathetic. Yes I suppose, as much as I don't want to care what people think of me, to a certain extent, I do. Ugh. Anyway. The feeling passes. But oh how awful it feels the night before.

There,it is, still a part of me. Thus my intention for the new year, to be happier and walk lighter. To surf the wave. (I attribute these feelings to the grieving process of lost dreams and hope that are an inevitable part of divorce and I count on time doing it's thing, and a little help from my friends! I just don't know what is a reasonable length of time before I should be really concerned about my sanity.)

Enough of that. And back to the new year. I hope you are already quite happy and content, but if you are not then I wish that for you, and I hope for you also all that you want for yourself. I hope we can count of each other. Help each other along the way. Laugh together. Hold hands and be safe.

I love you. I mean it.

Jan