Can't we slow things down a bit. I'm not ready. 2010 is galloping at break neck speed and will simply leave me in the dust if I can't gear up for it. Then it will be 2011 and ...........
Here is where I start to babble, chew the fat, yammer, yak, chatter and yaw.
This is what I want for 2010. 2010 to be my kind of year. I will be happier than I've ever been, laughing harder, standing taller, walking lighter, smiling bigger, hugging more, loving louder, living grander, and enjoying my new found confidence and contentment.
In the past when I put something out there, I mean actually say it out loud, to someone else, then it's a done deal. The saying of it makes it real, rather than just an idle thought. I sure hope blogging counts as saying it, because actually, I am telling more people, practically yelling it from the roof tops. It would be too embarrassing not to follow through!
That isn't exactly a resolution, however, it's more like a statement of intent. A resolution is a vow to do something. Resolutions are more specific.
So lets see, with only one day left in 2009, here are my resolutions. I will, in 2010:
1. Write everyday, not necessarily in my blog, I am working on a book, and other stuff (she says humbly and timidly). I started this blog in January, it has been one whole year. Hard to imagine. But it is December now. It truely feels like the end of the first volume. And I guess I will have to start a NEW blog, Volume two....63 years and living in paradise (or something!)
2. Stop, I repeat, STOP, STop, StoP thinking about divorce and my ex, the sentimental stuff I left behind but shoulda took, the coulda's, shoulda's, what shoulda been's, etc, and then forgive myself for the mistakes I have made along the way to here (It has been easier, you see, to forgive him and let go then to forgive myself for not being braver, stronger, smarter, etc. sooner. It still hurts a bit. Lost love. Lost dreams. Etc. Darn.)
3. Did I say forgive myself? I did, didn't I. You see, although I know that I have always done the best I could, made the best decisions I could, but (and I am now making excuses) in the emotion of the final days of our marriage, I did not make the best decisions, for me, and I am working on forgiving myself and letting that all go. This is a biggy for me. To forgive myself and just let go of the past.
4. Take another BIG trip, on the road or otherwise. Small trips don't count toward this resolution.
5. Move out of here. (That will help me to keep resolution #2)
Perhaps 5 resolutions is enough. For now. Those are pretty big ones. The journey begins...
Now in review of 2009. It was an incredible year for me chock full of love from friends and family. A three month road trip! A new grand baby. A week in Boston with the girlfriends. Wabi Sabi, the Studio and Gallery (well, actually, that didn't go as well as I had hoped, but, hey, still....), a book contract however humble, maintaining a size 4 (who would have thought?), and my first full year as a single person. I have to say, looking back, it was an adventure, but not without a certain amount of retrospection and tears, (the junk in my trunk) that I had to continually overcome so that I could truly appreciate and enjoy the other stuff.
You know, as much as I mean to show you the real me, as much as I want to be totally honest, I am only showing 80% . Here's why, here's another 10% of me......scary, gulp, deep breath........
Resolution #2 eludes: I still have some harrowing moments of despair, now and then a good cry, a really bad day. When the wave of despair comes, as much as I want to surf, I get swamped. I get tossed, battered, and choke. I do not let anyone know for fear of boring them with my groaning and whining and negativity and fear of seeming less capable, deranged or pathetic. Yes I suppose, as much as I don't want to care what people think of me, to a certain extent, I do. Ugh. Anyway. The feeling passes. But oh how awful it feels the night before.
There,it is, still a part of me. Thus my intention for the new year, to be happier and walk lighter. To surf the wave. (I attribute these feelings to the grieving process of lost dreams and hope that are an inevitable part of divorce and I count on time doing it's thing, and a little help from my friends! I just don't know what is a reasonable length of time before I should be really concerned about my sanity.)
Enough of that. And back to the new year. I hope you are already quite happy and content, but if you are not then I wish that for you, and I hope for you also all that you want for yourself. I hope we can count of each other. Help each other along the way. Laugh together. Hold hands and be safe.
I love you. I mean it.
Jan
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
A Christmas Eve Memory
I have a memory. A ghost of Christmas past.
This may not even be a real happening or maybe it is a distortion of a real happening. But it is recorded in my memory banks as if it did happen just this way.
It was Christmas eve. I was very small but big enough to know that Christmas was supposed to be about giving, not about receiving.
On Christmas eve, my family and my mother's sister and brothers' families would all get together and we laughed and played and ate and exchanged gifts in what I determined was a haphazard organized fashion. I adored these extended family gatherings. On Christmas eve, the best event was when the kids handed out gifts tagged to every member of the family from every other family. It was a lot of presents. There was a lot of oh-ing and ahh-ing and crumpled wrapping paper.
But....this particular Christmas eve I noticed that my grandfather wasn't getting any gifts. Not a one. I couldn't believe it. How could all the adults in the family have forgotten "Popper?" I loved Popper. He looked confused and peculiar as he was the one person who received nothing from anyone. My heart ached. I wanted to run and find something to wrap and give to him. In fact, I may have done that, wrapped something inappropriate found somewhere in the house and given it to him and although he said thank you, I knew he knew it was an afterthought gift wrapped quickly to make up for being forgotten. I wanted to sit in his lap and hug him, but actually, Popper wasn't the sort of grandpa you did that to. We loved him, but without the cuddling.
For a few moments I doubted my families' togetherness, thoughtfulness, connection. I wondered how Popper was taking it. My little heart was breaking. It isn't that our gifts were expensive or big, but still they were thoughtful and something someone took the time to get and wrap and give. They were meaningful. They were the special part of Christmas for a little kid.
THEN.
Two uncles walked into a back room and pushed out a new big blue elegant lounge chair and placed it in front of Popper and everyone shouted Merry Christmas. My eyes got big, my heart thumped audibly. Popper had gotten a "special" gift, a BIG gift, that everyone had chipped in to buy for him.
What a family I had! What a wonderful loving thoughtful caring excellent family. Faith restored.
I don't know why this particular incident has stayed with me while the particulars of most of my young Christmas memories have been filed too deep to be readily retrieved. But there it is, front and center in my memory bank. I have no idea why???
Merry Christmas to my wonderful extended family, and Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
This may not even be a real happening or maybe it is a distortion of a real happening. But it is recorded in my memory banks as if it did happen just this way.
It was Christmas eve. I was very small but big enough to know that Christmas was supposed to be about giving, not about receiving.
On Christmas eve, my family and my mother's sister and brothers' families would all get together and we laughed and played and ate and exchanged gifts in what I determined was a haphazard organized fashion. I adored these extended family gatherings. On Christmas eve, the best event was when the kids handed out gifts tagged to every member of the family from every other family. It was a lot of presents. There was a lot of oh-ing and ahh-ing and crumpled wrapping paper.
But....this particular Christmas eve I noticed that my grandfather wasn't getting any gifts. Not a one. I couldn't believe it. How could all the adults in the family have forgotten "Popper?" I loved Popper. He looked confused and peculiar as he was the one person who received nothing from anyone. My heart ached. I wanted to run and find something to wrap and give to him. In fact, I may have done that, wrapped something inappropriate found somewhere in the house and given it to him and although he said thank you, I knew he knew it was an afterthought gift wrapped quickly to make up for being forgotten. I wanted to sit in his lap and hug him, but actually, Popper wasn't the sort of grandpa you did that to. We loved him, but without the cuddling.
For a few moments I doubted my families' togetherness, thoughtfulness, connection. I wondered how Popper was taking it. My little heart was breaking. It isn't that our gifts were expensive or big, but still they were thoughtful and something someone took the time to get and wrap and give. They were meaningful. They were the special part of Christmas for a little kid.
THEN.
Two uncles walked into a back room and pushed out a new big blue elegant lounge chair and placed it in front of Popper and everyone shouted Merry Christmas. My eyes got big, my heart thumped audibly. Popper had gotten a "special" gift, a BIG gift, that everyone had chipped in to buy for him.
What a family I had! What a wonderful loving thoughtful caring excellent family. Faith restored.
I don't know why this particular incident has stayed with me while the particulars of most of my young Christmas memories have been filed too deep to be readily retrieved. But there it is, front and center in my memory bank. I have no idea why???
Merry Christmas to my wonderful extended family, and Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
2009 Almost a Memory
It is close to the end of the year. Our lives are noted symbolically by the years according to the calendar. Each year for all of us ends at the same time and we begin a new one on January 1, all of us, together. Even though the events of our separate lives might have divided our years differently. And to look at it another way, for example, my 62nd year, started in March.
But going by the calendar, 2008 was my worst year ever. Just awful. 2009, on the other hand, was a combination of reflection and looking ahead, change and new experiences, and.......how do I explain?, reinventing myself, or at least, much of my life.
When I look back, I feel pretty good about the year. My three month road trip was an amazing thing for me to do by myself. I didn't know I could or would. I have improved my thinking, I think! I am mostly satisfied and happy, with only an occasional backslide and a diminutive cry. There is so much to do that I want to do. I am never bored. Tired sometimes, but not bored.
My life, though, is not always as I want it to be. And it isn't exactly the life I had envisioned. Maybe it's better than that. I feel more confident then I used to. More secure. More excited by the possibilities. Occasionally unsure. Sometimes melancholy. Now and then a little sad. But mostly it's really good.
So, in keeping with tradition, I have hereby reflected somewhat on the past year. Now I will think about making a few resolutions and plans for 2009, that I fully intend to keep......of course. However I haven't thought them through yet. I have a few days before the new year, a few days before I need to commit. I want to be a better person, but is it hard to look at ourselves objectively. We know too much, have too many excuses, see "things" through our own narrow perspectives and it is hard to know what we might need to change to be better and still be ourselves.
I used to call a cousin when I was confounded in my marriage and didn't know if I was being reasonable or not. Was it me or was it him or was it just a difference of opinion? Was I making mountains out of molehills? I needed help to see beyond my own perspective. Sometimes I needed direction. Sometimes I just needed a shoulder to cry on. Whether or not I ultimately made good decisions isn't the point. I needed to get beyond myself, and make the best decisions I could. The point here is, I feel better equiped and less emotionally drained then I used to, so that I think I can make somewhat objective decisions regarding what to do from here, the big picture, better habits, less procrastination, adventure, money, romance, happiness. All that.
So I will think about making some New Year's resolutions. If you have suggestions......
But going by the calendar, 2008 was my worst year ever. Just awful. 2009, on the other hand, was a combination of reflection and looking ahead, change and new experiences, and.......how do I explain?, reinventing myself, or at least, much of my life.
When I look back, I feel pretty good about the year. My three month road trip was an amazing thing for me to do by myself. I didn't know I could or would. I have improved my thinking, I think! I am mostly satisfied and happy, with only an occasional backslide and a diminutive cry. There is so much to do that I want to do. I am never bored. Tired sometimes, but not bored.
My life, though, is not always as I want it to be. And it isn't exactly the life I had envisioned. Maybe it's better than that. I feel more confident then I used to. More secure. More excited by the possibilities. Occasionally unsure. Sometimes melancholy. Now and then a little sad. But mostly it's really good.
So, in keeping with tradition, I have hereby reflected somewhat on the past year. Now I will think about making a few resolutions and plans for 2009, that I fully intend to keep......of course. However I haven't thought them through yet. I have a few days before the new year, a few days before I need to commit. I want to be a better person, but is it hard to look at ourselves objectively. We know too much, have too many excuses, see "things" through our own narrow perspectives and it is hard to know what we might need to change to be better and still be ourselves.
I used to call a cousin when I was confounded in my marriage and didn't know if I was being reasonable or not. Was it me or was it him or was it just a difference of opinion? Was I making mountains out of molehills? I needed help to see beyond my own perspective. Sometimes I needed direction. Sometimes I just needed a shoulder to cry on. Whether or not I ultimately made good decisions isn't the point. I needed to get beyond myself, and make the best decisions I could. The point here is, I feel better equiped and less emotionally drained then I used to, so that I think I can make somewhat objective decisions regarding what to do from here, the big picture, better habits, less procrastination, adventure, money, romance, happiness. All that.
So I will think about making some New Year's resolutions. If you have suggestions......
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