Hi.....I was just sitting on my porch catching a few rays and wondering if this whole road trip was a good idea in the first place. When I first had the idea, I was so excited. I was into the dream, planning an adventure, living the life, meeting new people, cruising down the road, setting my own direction, leaving the conventional life and all its' troubles behind. I had no idea where I was really going, and I'm not talking about Memphis.

I am feeling old today. I don't think it has anything to do with my birthday coming up in two weeks, but that doesn't help. Well, wait a minute, in two weeks, I will be eligible for Social Security. That helps. A little more traveling money. I am thinkin' though, about starting to live a new dream at 62. At 25, one is willing to work hard, stay up late, turn over rocks, knock on doors, go without, and do whatever it takes to make the dream come true. At 62, all that sounds too hard and will take too long. So, I ask, can I make a dream come true in two months?

Now you're supposed to say, "hell, yes! Go for it girl! We're with you!"

I heard that. Thanks. I will.

Pretrip thinkin'

I have the feeling that where the roads go and where they will take me may not be the same place. Taking a really long road trip offers a lot of opportunities. Opportunities for sightseeing and exploring new places, but also opportunities for insight and exploring ones' self without the usual daily distractions of everyday life. You know, stuff like paying bills, cleaning bathrooms, and fixing what's broke. The stuff that keeps us busy, but not necessarily happily so. The mundane and redundant, like pulling weeds. But when we are home, that's what we think about, what needs to be done. When getting away from it all, nothing NEEDS to be done. That's part of the point of getting away from it all! Let the thinkin' go wild!

When I first conceived of taking a long road trip, my purpose was mainly, simply to travel. A road trip was the only way to be gone a long time and be able to afford it, as opposed to flying to Europe and renting a villa! Then came the idea to visit people along the way, which I find selfishly energising, and makes the trip even a little more affordable. I really didn't think I was going in search of myself or anything so metaphysical or psychological like that, but now I'm thinking maybe so.

People have suggested that after divorce, getting away from the familiar can help release bad feelings and tension. It can be invigorating. Sounds good to me. And living next door to my ex does involve a wee bit of tension. So going away could be a good thing for this newly divorced grandma's mental well being.

I am now thinking that it would be a fine thing to come home with a clear direction for the rest of my life, a renewed spirit, and a clear vision for the figurative road ahead. Would that be expecting too much? Actually, I already have a pretty good plan, but I'm open to redirection.

My question to you, do you have a pretty good plan? I mean about your future, where you see yourself in five years, ten, twenty? What does your perfect life look like? Are you living it? Will you? What sort of things do you want to do before you are 102 years old? Do you want to travel? Where? When? Click on the comments link at the end of this post and talk to me! I really want to know. Really. Or am I the only one thinking about this sort of "stuff?" I guess that would be good to know too.

Time Travels Too

It has been one year since the decision to get a divorce was made, and seven months since the actual divorce took place. Holy smokes! It has been one year since I started to make it on my own. I can hardly believe it has been that long. Already! So fast! So now I figure, if I've made it this far, I can make it till death do I part. (And I don't plan to part till I am 102 years old. This is how I figure it. I was married 40 years ago, so I plan to have 40 more years of getting to know myself better, enjoying myself and appreciating life's surprises and new directions. Forty years from now I will be 102. That's my plan and I'm sticking to it! Well, unless I don't actually age as well as expected, then...we'll see, cross that bridge when I get to it, just like being on a road trip!)


Blogging is going to help. Blogging is not natural for me. I have often wished that I had been born earlier, before the age of computerization of everything. I am more of a pencil and paper sort of person. I was never one to enjoy my computer. It's been just something in the new world that I needed to do to get along. But I am getting to enjoy blogging and sharing my thoughts so others like you can read or not. Talking face to face sort of puts people in a "must look like they are listening" position. Blogging allows them to "listen at their own pace or not at all. Blogging also forces my "old" brain to really observe the world, take notes, and think about it so that I can write about it. That's got to be good exercise for my brain, you know, to keep it functioning well till I am 102.

And blogging my way across the country will force me to look and listen closer. I am pretty sure that to have anything interesting to share, life needs human interaction, searching, pondering, passion, and even emotional trauma to make it interesting.

So I am sort of counting the days until I can put the rubber to new roads, get out of Florida and leave paradise behind. Time is of the essence. There is a lot to do and think about.

So..............let me think. First I need to .....................

Home Sweet Home

This is currently my Wabi-Sabi Studio and Gallery where I live and paint. Kind of funky yet cool! It lacks a few luxuries, but makes up for it with big windows bringing in a lot of light. The front awning used to say "Tourist Information, Welcome." Occasionally, some folks who knew it back when will still stop in looking for information or directions. No problem, I know the area pretty well.

"Old" Friends

This is my excuse for not writing in this blog all week:

Four girlfriends came to visit for a girlfriend’s getaway, and nonstop talking, leaving no time for me to write! We all grew up in Ohio but now live far apart, me in Florida, Connie in Kansas, Susan in Colorado, and Nancy in California.

These girlfriend get togethers are our chance to talk without being judged, to listen without being bored, to cry till we laugh and laugh till we cry.

Since my divorce, one of the things that takes some getting used to is making decisions all by myself, knowing no one else is vested in what I decide, and that no one else’s life will be seriously or directly effected by my daily choices. Sometimes there is no clear indication or feedback, that what I’m thinking is reasonable. It’s a weird feeling after so many years of marriage and having two opinions involved. This new singular decision process makes me just a little bit nervous.

But, my girl friends were here this week. I went to high school with these three girls and we have gotten together for the last seven years, lately, twice a year. Finding a time and place to meet is really important to us. We talk. We eat. We talk. We walk. We talk. We sit. We talk. We sleep. We talk some more. We know each other well enough to be honest and we love each other enough to be kind and supportive even if we don’t necessarily agree. (Kind of like a marriage ought to be.)

What do we talk about? Well, it is really just between us girls, so I will have to whisper. We talk about our families, our jobs, politics, and the weather. We talk about our worries and our joys. We talk about finances, and our travels. We talk about anything and everything. We laugh like crazy about stuff and we ask very personal questions, and we spill our hearts out. We then, say it all over again. We would bore husbands silly.

For me, this was an opportunity to get feedback. Am I crazy? Am I OK? Am I being redundant, depressive, repressive, reasonable, unreasonable, or smart? Am I in denial? Do I seem OK? Considering?

They helped me survive high school and they are helping me survive divorce. Up until last year, we could say that all four of us were still married to our first and only husbands. (Pretty unique in today’s world, wouldn’t you say?) They have no personal experience with divorce, but they couldn’t be more understanding and comforting. And they quietly let me shed a few tears.

I will visit each one of them at some point on my road trip around the country, because, each is a remarkable, sensitive, loving, intelligent, and extraordinary person who has made a difference in my life! Girlfriends are a blessing and I am grateful.

Being with the three of them is one of my best times.

Just so you know, I will update this blog every four days or so. I don't want to bore anyone just to hear myself talk, so to speak! This blog is intended to journal the upcoming road trip, so until then, I hope to be brief. (Although......no promises)

Thank-you to you who have signed on as followers of my blog. I like that. You make me feel good. Since I never followed a blog myself or blogged before, I think this is all really cool. I am learning.

I am currently at a point where I really don't know what to do next. How or what to prepare for. It's like when the computer freezes up and just won't do anything at all and all you can do is turn it off for a while and hope it works better when you turn it back on. It's like that. So all I can do right now is shut my brain down and hope it works better later! Imagine hearing a little shut down music. Click!

Jan

I'll Start by Heading North

I've got the maps out. I'm marking the route. Three months on the road. Me, with myself and I for company.

I have decided on my first stop. I will spend the night in Apalachicola. A place that has always appealed to me for no particular reason. It is not on a direct route to anywhere. It's old Florida. It's hard to spell and I've never seen it by myself. Seems like a good start. After that, well, I'm open to suggestions.

I can take whatever fork in the road appeals to me. I plan on being flexible. To let fate and friends guide me. To watch for adventure and new experiences. To find new routes, my own road, and to realize that sometimes the road may not be a road at all.

I hope you will tell me about special places. Where you would go if you were going, even if you've haven't actually been there. Maybe you can meet me there? How cool would that be?

Anyway, I have time. The estimated day of departure is May 1. There's lots to do before I pack the car. Lots to plan. Lots of thoughts to think. Words to write.

Love Ya, Jan

You would think that after living 60 plus years a person would have figured out how to deal with the important stuff, that we would have learned not to sweat the small stuff, that the sun will rise tomorrow irregardless, that we can't please all of the people, etc., etc. We ought to have "it" all pretty much together by now. But, that dosen't really seem to be the case. At 60 we still get mad and bothered over the small stuff. We still haven't gotten organized. We regret not doing this or that and we wish we had done this or that. We still get mad, frustrated, worried, even though we know that worry is a waste of our precious energy. We just can't seem to easily relax, be content, be silly, and enjoy life.

I am however trying to remedy that situation. I have not only changed much of my life in the aftermath of divorce, but my thinking as well. And I think I am doing OK with that. I am relaxing more, being silly more and and chasing dreams. I am happier. But occasionally I think about, well, about the divorce....

OK, at this point I going to share some thoughts about divorce. If this topic doesn't interest you, I won't be offended if you just skip it. It is just me babbling anyway. Show up at the next post.

The thing about divorce is that it is hard to forget. Even after six months (and I know that really isn't that long) I still think about him (you know who I mean) more often then I'd like. I wonder if he knew that, what he would think. Then again, I wonder if he even cares. And I wonder, if he might think about me more than he wants? I wonder... Sometimes I think about how it was, about what happened. I don't want to, but I do. We never really talked, I mean REALLY talked, about "us", and never talked at all after the divorce, except for a few necessary settlement words. But the thoughts and memories are less painful now. I do have a few regrets. Sometimes, now and then, I wish it hadn't ended as it did, that we could have lived the fairy tale of happily ever after. But as often as that thought may enter my head, I remind myself that it's over and turn my thoughts to now and what's next. Still, it would be nice to talk. I would like him to know how it was for me and I would like to understand how it was for him. It wouldn't change anything, but it would be nice to know just the same. (But then again, maybe we don't really want to know!) Then again. I mean it was 39 years, after all. Tsk.

Having talked to a lot of people who are divorced, I've come to believe that divorce must leave behind some sort of imprint on our brain that never goes away. People who have divorced seem to remember it all too well. Some never really get over it. I am pretty sure people don't want to recall those thoughts so vividly, but when the topic comes up, there they are. Those thoughts. The whole enchilada which has been permanently stored on a chip in the brain, easily accessed and retrieved and occasionally just falling out of the file on it's own only to lay on the floor until picked back up and filed away until next time. So I was wondering. Do we ever completely get over it? Do we? I thought not!

One example for an explanation. Most people have a strong recollection of their teenage years. The music that was popular. The styles worn. The dances danced. The years before and after are less easily remembered. I think it is because of the hormones and overwhelming emotions experienced in the teen years. Things associated with intense emotion are not forgotten. I think divorce is like that. The associated emotions are so strong that everything about the divorce is too well remembered, for years and years after. 'Till death do us part!

I hope I wasn't being depressing here. I didn't mean it that way. I was just thinking and wondering and almost wishing that no one will read my babbling anyway.

I'm a morning person. Not everyone knows about the early morning, because they sleep late, but an hour or so before the sun comes up, there is a rush of wings, a whoose, a flapping, a scurry of unseen whatevers, an almost musical sound that for just a moment, is loud enough to wake me. And I'm up! A lot of people sleep right through it.

The morning is mine. It's quiet when I make it out of bed. The street is empty. If I listen, I can hear the waves breaking on the shore. The stars are still up there, twinkling at me. I offer my thank-yous for it all.

But the day! The day is filled with trying to connect with other people in a world where everyone is busy, overwhelmed, trying to figure something out with a variety of insistent demands on their time. Me too. Is this something new, or has it always been so?

While my Honda is about to take me on the journey of a lifetime, a road trip of major proportion, at least for me, this blog is becoming my other vehicle, moving my words from me to you and to anyone else who cares to know my thoughts.

I sometimes wonder, just for a really brief moment, whether, or not my ideas are good ones or not. Whether taking off for three months on the road, at my age, living in the tourist information center next door to my ex husband, (OK, maybe the next door part wasn't such a good idea, but moving the building would have been worse), and starting a blog and all, not to mention opening a new studio and gallery (Wabi-Sabi) in my information center because I am an artist at heart, well, I was just wondering. But then, one can't know until they go. Right? I said right?

I realize the inefficiency of my process. It's like not reading the directions until you are really stumped and have done what you weren't supposed to do until you did something else first. But that's pretty much how I do things. It is a little less demanding on my brain cells than studying my options, listing the pros and cons, and identifying the obstacles, not to mention reading the instrucions. I am finding my voice both in this blog and otherwise, and just shouting all over the place. I am following hunches. I've put my life on fast forward, perhaps making up for lost time. I am learning. I am facing my fears. I am curiously, over the top, frighteningly, thrilled.

But that's today. I will let you know about tomorrow.

I feel like I will need to start each post to by asking new readers to start by going back to my initial post and reading the beginnning which is about the end. After that you can pick up wherever you want. and by wherever I mean, literally wherever....Florida, Texas, Washington DC or somewhere in the middle. After I've been there, however. Right now, where, means Florida, because I am still here. So read back.

I'm learning about blogs, about posting, and about how the internet works. I apparently need a second post to "claim" my blog on technorati. This is it. (If you dont know what technorati is, that's OK, neither did I yesterday!)

Jan